Three Little Words
“Somewhere inside me is a merciful, forgiving person. Somewhere there is a girl who tries to understand what people are going through, who accepts that people do evil things and that desperation leads them to darker places than they ever imagined. I swear she exists, and she hurts for the repentant boy I see in front of me.
But if I saw her, I wouldn’t recognize her.”
~ Divergent by Veronica Roth
I've lived my life, holding onto this quote with an iron grip, for what feels like a long time now. I believed that forgiveness is something to be earned, but that there are some acts that are just too terrible to ever be overlooked. I steeled myself with the power of these words, convincing myself that strength is displayed by those who refuse to forgive. It was easier for me to buy that and shield myself from more harm, than to allow the possibility that people really are sorry sometimes. Even Agent Gibbs (of NCIS) preaches, "Rule number six: Never say you're sorry. It's a sign of weakness".
I firmly believe that there are some people who just aren't meant to be friends. Sometimes life gets in the way and needs to smack us awake; sometimes we aren't meant to be friends with certain people for our entire lives. Others are here to stay. I don't know if it's God or the universe or life's way of steering us onto a new path. Whatever the cause, change forces us to face the fact that some people will come and go from our lives.
There are some individuals who are poisonous to the well-being of another. There's that one person who shakes you to your core and turns your entire universe upside down and inside out. All logic and reason go flying out the window and you're suddenly at a loss, unable to quite figure out what on earth possessed you to head back down this dangerous road. Everything tells you not to go anywhere near this person, and yet you find yourself settling into the comfort and familiarity of said toxic relationship.
It has nothing to do with what kind of person they are; it's about the control they have over us and our lives; we neglect our well-being because this person is suddenly so much more vastly important than ourselves. They are like crack to an addict; they become a sudden incessant craving or necessary for us to breathe. How they gain this control over us still puzzles me, because I'm trapped in the cycle - and I know that I'm doomed.
I love me some When Harry Met Sally, but I had never seen You've Got Mail until very recently (I was inspired by this post by an adorable blogger). Short recap of the film: Two emailing individuals are totally unaware that their beloved internet lover is their arch enemy in reality; Tom Hanks is Joe, the millionaire who owns the chain bookstore that eventually puts Kathleen's (the wonderful Meg Ryan) quaint, "Mom and Pop" children's bookstore around the corner out of business.
In the end, Joe (who has known for quite a while who his email-pal is and enjoys messing with her head on several different occasions) dials down the online romance and begins to form a real connection with the living, breathing Kathleen, rather than the cyber version of her. The two eventually, inevitably, fall in love as two individuals outside of the interwebs.
There is a point to me giving you this whole synopsis, I promise. There's a moment toward the end of the film, when Kathleen is about to wander off to meet her mystery man, and this moment happens:
Joe Fox: "You know, sometimes I wonder..."
Kathleen Kelly: "What?"
J: "Well... if I hadn't been 'Fox Books' and you hadn't been 'The Shop Around the Corner', and you and I had just, well, met..."
K: "I know."
J: "Yeah. I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you and saying, 'Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee or, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?'
K: "Joe..."
J: "And you and I would have never been at war. And the only thing we'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night."
K: "Well, who fights about that?"
J: "Well, some people. Not us."
K: "We would never."
J: "If only.
K: [pause] "I gotta go."
J: "Well, let me ask you something. How can you forgive this guy for standing you up and not forgive me for this tiny little thing of... of putting you out of business?"
[Kathleen starts to cry]
J: "Oh, how I wish you would."
Kathleen then excuses herself and the two part ways. So what's the point of me mentioning this movie? Well, the ending is cliché (Of course they end up together! It's a romantic comedy after all) and the dial tone as the AOL starts up is practically hilarious.
As I sat there watching the credits scroll down my computer screen, a foolish grin having crept across my face, I realized that this movie was trying to tell me something: Forgiveness is not weakness.
Forgiving someone for their mistakes, for their choices in life, is not a display of weakness; it is a display of your strength, of your ability to look beyond petty squabbles and drama. Kathleen was devastated when she was forced to close up shop by this monster of a chain store, especially when the owner was such an unpleasant man. Some might say that Kathleen did what was expected of her: she ignored the glaring reality and kissed the man she loved, but should really hate. In the end though, Kathleen chooses to forgive the man who destroyed the business she loved and held so dear. She was able to look past the manipulation and the lies, as Joe had known who Kathleen really was for quite a while.
She tells him, upon discovering that Joe is in fact her internet pen pal, that she had been hoping it would be he who turned up at the park -- does that make her weak? What does it tell us about her character, her substance, if she's so easily willing to overlook the whole reality of the situation?? Is she just another woman, blinded by love and the clichés of romantic comedies (Elizabeth Bennet, anyone?) -- unable to resist a man by design of gender? Or is she made of rock-solid moral fiber, and therefore able to come to her own conclusions, unaided and independent? She was hoping it would be he who turned up at the meeting spot -- her hope for that moment tells us that she genuinely cares about him, and not what he's done.
I know I'm stuck back in the loop, even though I escaped for a short time. In the end, it made no difference. Because even though I came up with a million reasons why this person is no good and lists of all the terrible things they've said or done, it hasn't done a thing. This confirms the one thing that I have always known deep down in my heart, and believed every moment of my life: Heart trumps brain.
I've probably talked about this before, but I've always been about emotions, about heart, over brains and logic. There are some people for whom emotions are simply not as important, and that's totally fine. For me, however, I've always viewed the heart as more important. When you are faced with a tough decision, I always ask my heart to make the final call for me. Your brain can tell you what the rules are and what choice will get you the shortest punishment sentence, but your heart will tell you if you made the decision you can live with.
It's about the person, the individual, not the mistakes they've made or what they've done in the past. The truth is that I forgave this person a long time ago; I was done being mad a long time ago. The only reason why I've been trying to resist telling them I forgave them, is because the pettiness in my spirit dictates that I make this individual squirm and feel as guilty as possible, for as long as possible; I'm looking to punish this person because that somehow rectifies the pain that they caused me. In reality, I am so very, very wrong. I know I'm wrong. Will this new awareness of my selfish motives change how I act though? We shall find out soon enough, I suppose.
There are some individuals who are poisonous to the well-being of another. There's that one person who shakes you to your core and turns your entire universe upside down and inside out. All logic and reason go flying out the window and you're suddenly at a loss, unable to quite figure out what on earth possessed you to head back down this dangerous road. Everything tells you not to go anywhere near this person, and yet you find yourself settling into the comfort and familiarity of said toxic relationship.
It has nothing to do with what kind of person they are; it's about the control they have over us and our lives; we neglect our well-being because this person is suddenly so much more vastly important than ourselves. They are like crack to an addict; they become a sudden incessant craving or necessary for us to breathe. How they gain this control over us still puzzles me, because I'm trapped in the cycle - and I know that I'm doomed.
I love me some When Harry Met Sally, but I had never seen You've Got Mail until very recently (I was inspired by this post by an adorable blogger). Short recap of the film: Two emailing individuals are totally unaware that their beloved internet lover is their arch enemy in reality; Tom Hanks is Joe, the millionaire who owns the chain bookstore that eventually puts Kathleen's (the wonderful Meg Ryan) quaint, "Mom and Pop" children's bookstore around the corner out of business.
In the end, Joe (who has known for quite a while who his email-pal is and enjoys messing with her head on several different occasions) dials down the online romance and begins to form a real connection with the living, breathing Kathleen, rather than the cyber version of her. The two eventually, inevitably, fall in love as two individuals outside of the interwebs.
There is a point to me giving you this whole synopsis, I promise. There's a moment toward the end of the film, when Kathleen is about to wander off to meet her mystery man, and this moment happens:
Joe Fox: "You know, sometimes I wonder..."
Kathleen Kelly: "What?"
J: "Well... if I hadn't been 'Fox Books' and you hadn't been 'The Shop Around the Corner', and you and I had just, well, met..."
K: "I know."
J: "Yeah. I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you and saying, 'Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee or, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?'
K: "Joe..."
J: "And you and I would have never been at war. And the only thing we'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night."
K: "Well, who fights about that?"
J: "Well, some people. Not us."
K: "We would never."
J: "If only.
K: [pause] "I gotta go."
J: "Well, let me ask you something. How can you forgive this guy for standing you up and not forgive me for this tiny little thing of... of putting you out of business?"
[Kathleen starts to cry]
J: "Oh, how I wish you would."
Kathleen then excuses herself and the two part ways. So what's the point of me mentioning this movie? Well, the ending is cliché (Of course they end up together! It's a romantic comedy after all) and the dial tone as the AOL starts up is practically hilarious.
As I sat there watching the credits scroll down my computer screen, a foolish grin having crept across my face, I realized that this movie was trying to tell me something: Forgiveness is not weakness.
Forgiving someone for their mistakes, for their choices in life, is not a display of weakness; it is a display of your strength, of your ability to look beyond petty squabbles and drama. Kathleen was devastated when she was forced to close up shop by this monster of a chain store, especially when the owner was such an unpleasant man. Some might say that Kathleen did what was expected of her: she ignored the glaring reality and kissed the man she loved, but should really hate. In the end though, Kathleen chooses to forgive the man who destroyed the business she loved and held so dear. She was able to look past the manipulation and the lies, as Joe had known who Kathleen really was for quite a while.
She tells him, upon discovering that Joe is in fact her internet pen pal, that she had been hoping it would be he who turned up at the park -- does that make her weak? What does it tell us about her character, her substance, if she's so easily willing to overlook the whole reality of the situation?? Is she just another woman, blinded by love and the clichés of romantic comedies (Elizabeth Bennet, anyone?) -- unable to resist a man by design of gender? Or is she made of rock-solid moral fiber, and therefore able to come to her own conclusions, unaided and independent? She was hoping it would be he who turned up at the meeting spot -- her hope for that moment tells us that she genuinely cares about him, and not what he's done.
I know I'm stuck back in the loop, even though I escaped for a short time. In the end, it made no difference. Because even though I came up with a million reasons why this person is no good and lists of all the terrible things they've said or done, it hasn't done a thing. This confirms the one thing that I have always known deep down in my heart, and believed every moment of my life: Heart trumps brain.
I've probably talked about this before, but I've always been about emotions, about heart, over brains and logic. There are some people for whom emotions are simply not as important, and that's totally fine. For me, however, I've always viewed the heart as more important. When you are faced with a tough decision, I always ask my heart to make the final call for me. Your brain can tell you what the rules are and what choice will get you the shortest punishment sentence, but your heart will tell you if you made the decision you can live with.
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