The lights will all appear These will be the years
I definitely have been neglecting my blog. It started off that I was too busy and didn't have time to even check my email.
Then I was lazy.
Then I had nothing to say.
Now, fast forwarding almost 3 months:
I got promoted.
I transferred stores.
Lost my way.
Felt alone.
Couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
Learned something new every day.
Found myself.
My new store is the complete opposite of my other one. The old one was quiet and predictable, filled with coworkers I thought of as family more than employees. It was so quiet, it was almost silent.
I didn't realize until now that I was slowly drowning there. Had I stayed, I would definitely have ended up one of those miserable thirty-somethings who hate their job, who go through the motions every day. Because that's exactly what it was - the same thing, every goddamn day. And I loved it. It was routine, it was habit...it was safe.
My new store is chaotic and crazy, trampled by three times the number of customers I am used to. They are all different ethnicities, races, religions and even nationalities. Every day someone comes up with a new complaint or a new way to try to steal something. I thought I had a thick skin with everything I have lived through; this store has only added to that.
I'll never say that this store "broke" me (or hasn't yet anyway). It was hard to be the new kid, which is something I rarely ever am. I forced myself to be outgoing, when I would much rather have been shy and taken my time to do things my own way. Instead, I was thrown in head first and wished good luck.
I think if I had been eased into it, I wouldn't be writing this. I would be curled up into a ball somewhere in the fetal position (which is where I almost ended up but more on that later).
The team was not a team. Everyone was selfish and negative, in it for themselves. Their only interests were saving their own asses. Now I know that it isn't selfishness, it's survival instinct that they have adopted as habit. It feels a lot like we are waging war every day the minute that gate opens up. I find myself bracing for impact and silently kissing my butt goodbye. Everyone worries about themselves first and helps others second, which is the complete polar opposite to what I morally stand for. I always put others before myself and in the end it means I get in trouble a lot... and I'm okay with that.
I was alone in my new store -- no friends, no one to trust, unsure of dynamics and personalities so I just steered clear of them altogether.
Everyone hated my new boss who is trying to be professional and rescue this store from the hellhole it was residing in before she got here. She runs a tight ship and I respect that. Her social skills are lacking and she wants to keep everything strictly professional. It's a terrible dynamic to walk into and suddenly I was surrounded by immense negativity and nonexistent morale.
My friends from my old store were sick of hearing me complain and worry so they shut me out.
I was on my own.
Ever since high school and even into the beginning of college, I found myself battling periodic bouts of depression. I would fall into a rut and be unable to snap myself out of it. Eventually, I always would and I would be happy for months, even years at a time. In times of high stress or overwhelming emotions, I shut down. I feel every little last emotion and it consumes me...because I allow it to. I think I'm afraid that if I shut it out, it will mean I am heartless or cold or impersonable.
I could barely breathe from the walls of negativity closing in on me. I was caving under the weight of the unhappiness, anger and frustration that had been festering in the store long before I got there. My friends kept telling me: "Don't let the negativity get to you, don't let it get to you". Then they cut me off, shut me out and walked away.
But it's hard to keep smiling and being positive when you're surrounded by it from all sides 24/7. When you wake up every morning at 4am and work for 9 hours with a partner who hates his or her boss. To be bombarded from all sides.
I started slipping. I became antisocial, I went to work and then went home. I barely slept, I rarely ate. I avoided phone calls, ignored texts. I would go out on my lunch break just to walk around and around, to get myself out of the store.
It was draining. I felt myself slipping into the dark place again. I was run down and burnt out, but I didn't let it show. I kept the smile on my face and they all just looked at me with pity. "That's the too nice new girl who the store would chew up and spit out, who would run herself into the ground trying to 'fix' the store".
I found myself slowly drowning yesterday and I didn't know what to do. The crazy thing was that I didn't have to reach out -- my team offered their assistance before i could even ask. My new team had already accepted me, which is something I hadn't realized. They do care about the store and they do care about each other.
The things I have realized and learned over the last month in a half boils down to this: There are a lot of problems with my new store. There's issues with morale, with procedures, with communication, with standards... The list goes on and on.
My new partner drives me up a wall but he is truly like the brother I never had. I like that he looks out for me and in turn I keep him focused and on track. I think my other coworker was looking for someone to share some of the light she has inside; she's one of the most positive, friendliest people I've ever met.
There are a bunch of individuals on this team though who are smart and talented, who are willing to learn and work hard. They want to do well if you give them the right encouragement. Will it ever be the family I had in my last store?? Maybe, maybe not. But we are a team -- or at least, we're headed there anyway. I've already made some good friends who I now know will have my back and look after me.
Bottom line, there will be problems in this store for a long time to come...and that's okay. One day we will get them all under control. For now though, I think I've found a place here. And it's okay that I don't have all the answers.
I know that I can't do it alone (not that I ever thought I could "save" or "fix" this place). But I also know that I don't have to try to do everything on my own. I thought because everyone was in it for themselves that I too, would have to fend for yourself.
I will continue to try my best every day and see where the road takes me -- AND my team. I had a few stumbles along the way but I think I found myself again.
It's okay to be lost. And it's nice to know that I found myself, that I can do it again if I need to.
I am okay.
Then I was lazy.
Then I had nothing to say.
Now, fast forwarding almost 3 months:
I got promoted.
I transferred stores.
Lost my way.
Felt alone.
Couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
Learned something new every day.
Found myself.
My new store is the complete opposite of my other one. The old one was quiet and predictable, filled with coworkers I thought of as family more than employees. It was so quiet, it was almost silent.
I didn't realize until now that I was slowly drowning there. Had I stayed, I would definitely have ended up one of those miserable thirty-somethings who hate their job, who go through the motions every day. Because that's exactly what it was - the same thing, every goddamn day. And I loved it. It was routine, it was habit...it was safe.
My new store is chaotic and crazy, trampled by three times the number of customers I am used to. They are all different ethnicities, races, religions and even nationalities. Every day someone comes up with a new complaint or a new way to try to steal something. I thought I had a thick skin with everything I have lived through; this store has only added to that.
I'll never say that this store "broke" me (or hasn't yet anyway). It was hard to be the new kid, which is something I rarely ever am. I forced myself to be outgoing, when I would much rather have been shy and taken my time to do things my own way. Instead, I was thrown in head first and wished good luck.
I think if I had been eased into it, I wouldn't be writing this. I would be curled up into a ball somewhere in the fetal position (which is where I almost ended up but more on that later).
The team was not a team. Everyone was selfish and negative, in it for themselves. Their only interests were saving their own asses. Now I know that it isn't selfishness, it's survival instinct that they have adopted as habit. It feels a lot like we are waging war every day the minute that gate opens up. I find myself bracing for impact and silently kissing my butt goodbye. Everyone worries about themselves first and helps others second, which is the complete polar opposite to what I morally stand for. I always put others before myself and in the end it means I get in trouble a lot... and I'm okay with that.
I was alone in my new store -- no friends, no one to trust, unsure of dynamics and personalities so I just steered clear of them altogether.
Everyone hated my new boss who is trying to be professional and rescue this store from the hellhole it was residing in before she got here. She runs a tight ship and I respect that. Her social skills are lacking and she wants to keep everything strictly professional. It's a terrible dynamic to walk into and suddenly I was surrounded by immense negativity and nonexistent morale.
My friends from my old store were sick of hearing me complain and worry so they shut me out.
I was on my own.
Ever since high school and even into the beginning of college, I found myself battling periodic bouts of depression. I would fall into a rut and be unable to snap myself out of it. Eventually, I always would and I would be happy for months, even years at a time. In times of high stress or overwhelming emotions, I shut down. I feel every little last emotion and it consumes me...because I allow it to. I think I'm afraid that if I shut it out, it will mean I am heartless or cold or impersonable.
I could barely breathe from the walls of negativity closing in on me. I was caving under the weight of the unhappiness, anger and frustration that had been festering in the store long before I got there. My friends kept telling me: "Don't let the negativity get to you, don't let it get to you". Then they cut me off, shut me out and walked away.
But it's hard to keep smiling and being positive when you're surrounded by it from all sides 24/7. When you wake up every morning at 4am and work for 9 hours with a partner who hates his or her boss. To be bombarded from all sides.
I started slipping. I became antisocial, I went to work and then went home. I barely slept, I rarely ate. I avoided phone calls, ignored texts. I would go out on my lunch break just to walk around and around, to get myself out of the store.
It was draining. I felt myself slipping into the dark place again. I was run down and burnt out, but I didn't let it show. I kept the smile on my face and they all just looked at me with pity. "That's the too nice new girl who the store would chew up and spit out, who would run herself into the ground trying to 'fix' the store".
I found myself slowly drowning yesterday and I didn't know what to do. The crazy thing was that I didn't have to reach out -- my team offered their assistance before i could even ask. My new team had already accepted me, which is something I hadn't realized. They do care about the store and they do care about each other.
The things I have realized and learned over the last month in a half boils down to this: There are a lot of problems with my new store. There's issues with morale, with procedures, with communication, with standards... The list goes on and on.
My new partner drives me up a wall but he is truly like the brother I never had. I like that he looks out for me and in turn I keep him focused and on track. I think my other coworker was looking for someone to share some of the light she has inside; she's one of the most positive, friendliest people I've ever met.
There are a bunch of individuals on this team though who are smart and talented, who are willing to learn and work hard. They want to do well if you give them the right encouragement. Will it ever be the family I had in my last store?? Maybe, maybe not. But we are a team -- or at least, we're headed there anyway. I've already made some good friends who I now know will have my back and look after me.
Bottom line, there will be problems in this store for a long time to come...and that's okay. One day we will get them all under control. For now though, I think I've found a place here. And it's okay that I don't have all the answers.
I know that I can't do it alone (not that I ever thought I could "save" or "fix" this place). But I also know that I don't have to try to do everything on my own. I thought because everyone was in it for themselves that I too, would have to fend for yourself.
I will continue to try my best every day and see where the road takes me -- AND my team. I had a few stumbles along the way but I think I found myself again.
It's okay to be lost. And it's nice to know that I found myself, that I can do it again if I need to.
I am okay.
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