A Little Piece of Me

I had forgotten I wrote that last post.  I had forgotten that I had already displayed my heart on paper (or the computer screen).  I had forgotten that moments of clarity can come, that gratitude makes me foolish.  My post from June 20th is a lie.  I had a moment of thankfulness for some support and compassion, but it wasn't enough.  Is it ever?

This blog began as a way to fill my day, a time-killer in between college classes.  Then it became my way of updating my friends and family on what I was up to day to day.  Now it is a small piece of me that I like to revisit in times of crisis, or epiphany.

7 months have passed since I last posted, and it's been 2 months since I transferred stores.  Yes, for those of you keeping track, this is my second transfer in less than a year.  What happened, you may ask?  Well it's the kind of thing that creeps up on your slowly, then all at once your world crashes down around you.  And this is my story:

 When I first got to the store, as previously stated, there was no morale but there was negativity flooding in from every direction.  I did what my supervisors/good friends told me to do:

I kept my head down and my mouth shut.

I kept everyone at a distance, putting on a fake bubbly front.

I did what I was told.

No one trusted me, no one liked me.

And my friends had vanished because I was lost and complaining.

Since that wasn't working, and everyone had left me for dead up in that hellhole, I did what my instincts told me to do: trust no one, but make friends.

Now I was being criticized for "getting caught up in store drama", by my friends who rarely spoke to me and only poked their noses in where they didn't belong if they checked in at all.

Now I was being criticized for being "cold, distant and hostile" because my supervisors didn't agree with the side of the war I had chosen.

My new friends had my back, because they knew the truth about what I faced every day.

And my old friends were still nowhere to be found.

Because I was no longer the "cute, friendly, bubbly girl who never complained at my old store".  I was there for everyone else; I was always exactly what everyone needed in that moment.  I lived to serve others.  And I was drowning.

To those who had known me previously, it sounded like I was whining.  What I was really doing was calling out for help.  Everyone said, "Erin's complaining, Erin's wrong", when all I really wanted was for someone to say "If Erin's complaining, something must be wrong".  Instead all I got was, "Something's wrong with you".  Yet, no one cared enough to ask what that wrongness might be.

Depression is easy.  Don't take that the wrong way, it's not easy to slowly descend into misery.  

Or to not want to get out of bed because the idea of moving drains you.  

To total your car because you fell asleep behind the wheel, working 50+ hours a week with a 2 hour commute.  

To have a boss who doesn't ask you if you're alright after your accident, instead informing you that she will "see you when you get to work".

To be degraded in front of customers.
To be disrespected, devalued and reprimanded in front of your team.  

To be mentally and emotionally tortured every day.  

To be reprimanded for things out of your control or that weren't your fault, with no chance for you to explain yourself.
To have your other boss tell you that "based on what he heard about you, he thought you'd be better".
To never succeed, but just "not screw up as badly".

To never celebrate the small victories.  

To never being appreciated.  

To see little pieces of yourself being stripped away, one by one.


To suddenly see the truth with your own eyes.  Your boss is a terrible person.  I feel so foolish to have been so blind, to have doubted how despicable, hateful and degrading she could be.  And I'm ashamed because I let her beat me.