When I Grow Up

     I went out to breakfast with my mom yesterday morning, which is something we rarely do.  I love my mom and I enjoy spending time with her; we share a lot of interests and morals.  We were sitting in a booth, our food had just arrived and we were talking about my sister's color guard routine.  Then she said, "Enough about Dana, let's talk about you."  My heart stopped beating and I suddenly felt nauseous.  It was one of those "Uh-oh, what did I do now?" moments.  But then my mom asked me an even scarier question: "What do you want to do?"

     She meant what do I want to study, what I want to do for the rest of my life.  I explained to her that I couldn't give her an answer because I don't really have any for myself.  I've always been a driven person, who tries hard at everything she does.  However, I've never been truly good at one thing.  For my best friend, who is a genius, all academic things come easily to him.  I have to study my butt off to get a B.  I'm not stupid, but it doesn't come naturally to me like it does for him.  My sister is good at math; she looks at an equation and she instantly has an answer.  My mom was good at everything in high school/college; she was salutatorian of her graduating class, was captain of the twirlers and president of an infinite amount of clubs, she was accepted to Harvard (didn't attend but the offer was there), went to vet school, started her own business...

     I'm not like them though.  I'm "okay" at a lot of things, but I've never had one skill or area that has ever come naturally to me.  I'm a good person, who cares about people.  I'm fairly social but shy at times, well-organized and sensible.  I love to read and write; I enjoy correcting people's grammar.  I read more than anything else; I've been a bookworm my entire life.  I always got good grades in English.  I was good, but not spectacular.  

     There was a time when I seriously considered pursuing theatre as a career.  I had been attending dancing school since the age of three, and had studied jazz, tap, lyrical, modern, hip hop and pointe.  I was okay at all of them, but not spectacular.  The thought of being a starving artist and being rejected repeatedly was too daunting and I stopped considering it as an option about two months into my senior year of high school.  I was pretty good, but not spectacular.  I was special; I shone in my little pond.  I love music theatre and I jumped in feet first my freshman year of college.  I joined choir, performed in the fall musical, took several dance classes and directed a middle school musical production.  In retrospect, I am glad I did that.  It was a lot at the time, during a tough period of adjustment.  I made a lot of friends though and I am still friends with the majority of those people nearly two years later.  It all became rather monotonous and it wasn't fun anymore.  I take one to two dance classes a semester and I haven't performed in a show since the fall musical of my freshman year.  I've found that pacing myself is the best way to make sure that it's fun, and not work.  I do miss performing; I especially miss directing, which I really enjoyed.

     I'm technically a Communication Disorders major.  I took three classes within the major: Introduction to Communication Disorders, Speech and Hearing Science and Phonetics.  Introduction was hard and I passed with a B, but my professor was strict.  My Speech and Hearing Science professor spoke poor English, and though he was highly intelligent, he was not a very good teacher.  The subject matter was hard enough without those other factors making it even more difficult.  My Phonetics professor was very nice, but it was literally like learning a new language.  I dreaded attending those classes.  They were exceptionally difficult, far harder than I ever expected or could possibly handle.  I busted my butt just to scrape a C+ in Speech and Hearing Science.  I know that life isn't supposed to just hand you things.  I may be a quitter, and I accept that.  I didn't love Comm D. though and I'm glad to take a semester off from it.

     I'm a junior at a state university, but I will be doing my undergraduate degree for at least another two years.  It is not uncommon for students to study at my school for five or more years.  The college requires an exorbitant number of general education classes - more than any other school in the state.  It takes everyone almost two years just to finish the general requirements, let alone begin within one's own major.  It's hard for Undecided majors because they do not have the time to sample classes and figure out what they like before they have to declare a major.  My school also require education majors to double major and the second major often sets those students back an extra year or more.  My school is known as an amazing teaching college and it is.  The Massachusetts Tests for Educator Licensure (MTEL) test is infamously the hardest in the country.  Rumor has it that if you can pass the MTEL, you can pass other states' tests with ease.  Many students have to stay an extra year at my school simply because they could not pass the MTEL the first time.  Massachusetts has the largest number of colleges and universities in the world, and some really great ones are within an hour of where I live.  I grew up with this college in my backyard and a lot of people in my town write off my school because we do live so close to it.  My school is a pretty good one, and I like it.

      I used to have the attitude that I needed to get out of college in four years, that my life was ticking away.  I felt that my friends graduating before me meant that I was going to be left behind.  I think part of this feeling was because I already felt left behind when my friends all moved away to attend school, and I stayed at home to attend the local university.  The time crunch was this looming thing, that has been driving everything I have been doing.  It's always been that I have to take these classes during this semester in order to graduate on time and if I don't get them, it's the end of the world.  Now that I am changing majors, that's all thrown out the window.  Now that I've finally finished my general education requirements, I can start figuring out what I want to do with my life... but I need to declare a major before the end of this school year.  Until now, I saw it as punishment; I was being punished for not knowing what I want to do with my life.  My time in Spain taught me that I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me.  So what if I have to stay an extra year or two?  I shouldn't spend my entire life wishing it away.

     One of the few things I do know is that I do not want to be a Comm D. major anymore.  I know I like to help people and I want to help people.  I thought that I wanted to teach English as a second language and travel, either abroad to Africa or Europe, or a city within the United States.  The requirements for being a teacher of English as a second language are not high; a college degree in English or some sort of linguistics-related field is required.  I don't even know if I would be a good teacher.  I told my mom that I just want to help people and travel.  She told me maybe I should consider the Peace Corps. or a program called School on Wheels, a program that tutors homeless children.  I'm going to switch to the English major and hopefully enjoy myself for next two and half years.  What I do after college is still a mystery.  Dancer, wedding planner, teacher, writer, doctor, social worker?

     So in conclusion, I don't have an answer for my mom, for anyone, or even for myself.  I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I don't really know what I'm doing.  But really, who does in this world?