Revelations
I ran into "Mark" yesterday on my walk to campus from the parking lot and when I saw him dressed in fatigues, I realized that he's in the Army ROTC program at my school. Army ROTC is not a bad thing; it's actually quite impressive. It turns out he's actually very fit and muscular, which I never would have guessed because he's shy and was wearing sweatshirts the few times I've seen him. Like I said, it's not a bad thing; it's not a turn-off or anything. He's tall, attractive, athletic, intelligent, funny, friendly... And yet I found myself fighting him off, pushing him away. I finally figured out two things though:
One: the reason why I've been so hesitant to accept "Mark"'s offers and I actually realized why I've been dragging my feet when I was talking to Danielle. She makes me realize SO many things! When I couldn't come up with a good reason to say no (other than he might be a potential serial killer), I laughed at my own humor. I also realized that I really did not have a good reason for rejecting his advances. It's all because I'm scared and I'm insecure.
In all my past relationships (all seven of them), they've never worked out - obviously they never worked out, seeing as I'm single. I always date my best guy friends, guys that I become close to... And things never end well. After the drama I endured two summers ago, I vowed I would never ever go down that path again - that way I could never be hurt again, or lose another best friend in the process.
In retrospect, I believe I'm partially to blame for the failure of my last few relationships. I noticed that I start off as this shy, kind girl who turns out to be a pretty decent friend to have around and we grow closer. That's when all the guys I've dated have figured out they feel something more for me... That's also when it all starts to fall apart.
I'm fine when it's casual dating and all throughout the awkward fumbling to figure out what direction the friendship is going; I'm perfectly comfortable being myself. Then suddenly I turn into a completely different person as soon as it becomes labeled. I can't really explain it! It just kind of happens. It's as if a switch is flipped and that sweet girl who's accepting and laid-back (for the most part) becomes this raging monster who's high-maintenance and jealous. She's demanding, possessive and overbearing. She picks fights and starts drama for the sake of it.
I think probably the root of this sudden shift in personality is my insecurity. I think that this is how a girlfriend would act, should act. So even though my brain tells me it's stupid and I know deep down that I'm not that kind of person, this part of me comes out and there is no stopping it. The last two guys I dated have rendered me pretty gun-shy. They both abruptly decided that they didn't like me anymore, or as I recently figured out: they didn't like who I became. I like people to like me, I like to be whoever or whatever people need me to be. One of the guys never liked me in the first place, he actually liked my best friend. I was left with this horrible feeling that I wasn't good enough. As a result of both my innate need to be liked and the trauma of that boy, I have this horrible fear of inadequacy. It's easier to become the melodramatic, demanding, hysterical stereotype than to just be myself in a relationship. It's a survival mechanism that hopes to somehow protect me from not being good enough and getting hurt, when in reality it's me shooting myself in the foot.
Two: why I panic every time a semi-attractive and/or friendly guy flirts with me. We've talked about this before, but I panic when guys flirt with me. It's not that I'm incapable of flirting; I do it fairly often when it's harmless and I dismiss it as being friendly. The reason I panic and suddenly become this quivering puddle of jello that can only giggle nervously is because I don't get it very often so it catches me off-guard. I don't think of myself as particularly interesting or pretty or funny, so when a guy pays me any sort of positive attention my brain literally cannot comprehend it and I get nervous. I think that this is also the reason I don't pick up on guys flirting with me, why I'm so oblivious (which my other bestie Brianna loves to tease me for).
This guy, "Mark", is a nice guy. He's being really patient with me, even though I honestly don't have a good reason for turning him down. I've been towing him along for over a week now, yet he keeps asking. I'm a complete stranger - why on earth has he stuck it out this long? Why hasn't he just cut his losses and run yet?
Don't think too poorly of me for all this self-deprication and insecurity. It comes from somewhere... I'm not sure where, but it's getting to be a tad frustrating. Poor "Mark" - It's not like I'm going to marry the kid. It's time I give myself a break and take a breath. This is fun, this is free; it's unlabeled so I have nothing to fear. So I closed my eyes, jumped...and said yes. ;)
One: the reason why I've been so hesitant to accept "Mark"'s offers and I actually realized why I've been dragging my feet when I was talking to Danielle. She makes me realize SO many things! When I couldn't come up with a good reason to say no (other than he might be a potential serial killer), I laughed at my own humor. I also realized that I really did not have a good reason for rejecting his advances. It's all because I'm scared and I'm insecure.
In all my past relationships (all seven of them), they've never worked out - obviously they never worked out, seeing as I'm single. I always date my best guy friends, guys that I become close to... And things never end well. After the drama I endured two summers ago, I vowed I would never ever go down that path again - that way I could never be hurt again, or lose another best friend in the process.
In retrospect, I believe I'm partially to blame for the failure of my last few relationships. I noticed that I start off as this shy, kind girl who turns out to be a pretty decent friend to have around and we grow closer. That's when all the guys I've dated have figured out they feel something more for me... That's also when it all starts to fall apart.
I'm fine when it's casual dating and all throughout the awkward fumbling to figure out what direction the friendship is going; I'm perfectly comfortable being myself. Then suddenly I turn into a completely different person as soon as it becomes labeled. I can't really explain it! It just kind of happens. It's as if a switch is flipped and that sweet girl who's accepting and laid-back (for the most part) becomes this raging monster who's high-maintenance and jealous. She's demanding, possessive and overbearing. She picks fights and starts drama for the sake of it.
I think probably the root of this sudden shift in personality is my insecurity. I think that this is how a girlfriend would act, should act. So even though my brain tells me it's stupid and I know deep down that I'm not that kind of person, this part of me comes out and there is no stopping it. The last two guys I dated have rendered me pretty gun-shy. They both abruptly decided that they didn't like me anymore, or as I recently figured out: they didn't like who I became. I like people to like me, I like to be whoever or whatever people need me to be. One of the guys never liked me in the first place, he actually liked my best friend. I was left with this horrible feeling that I wasn't good enough. As a result of both my innate need to be liked and the trauma of that boy, I have this horrible fear of inadequacy. It's easier to become the melodramatic, demanding, hysterical stereotype than to just be myself in a relationship. It's a survival mechanism that hopes to somehow protect me from not being good enough and getting hurt, when in reality it's me shooting myself in the foot.
Two: why I panic every time a semi-attractive and/or friendly guy flirts with me. We've talked about this before, but I panic when guys flirt with me. It's not that I'm incapable of flirting; I do it fairly often when it's harmless and I dismiss it as being friendly. The reason I panic and suddenly become this quivering puddle of jello that can only giggle nervously is because I don't get it very often so it catches me off-guard. I don't think of myself as particularly interesting or pretty or funny, so when a guy pays me any sort of positive attention my brain literally cannot comprehend it and I get nervous. I think that this is also the reason I don't pick up on guys flirting with me, why I'm so oblivious (which my other bestie Brianna loves to tease me for).
This guy, "Mark", is a nice guy. He's being really patient with me, even though I honestly don't have a good reason for turning him down. I've been towing him along for over a week now, yet he keeps asking. I'm a complete stranger - why on earth has he stuck it out this long? Why hasn't he just cut his losses and run yet?
Don't think too poorly of me for all this self-deprication and insecurity. It comes from somewhere... I'm not sure where, but it's getting to be a tad frustrating. Poor "Mark" - It's not like I'm going to marry the kid. It's time I give myself a break and take a breath. This is fun, this is free; it's unlabeled so I have nothing to fear. So I closed my eyes, jumped...and said yes. ;)
Comments
Post a Comment